What the hell do you give 'em for the holidays?
Well, give 'em hell.
Or at least give some agitation at a helluva bargain price.
(Holidays are VERY SOON.)
A surprising conspiracy by girls
You thought that yesteryear's threat of creeping communist cells inside the USA was the worst conspiracy in our history? Or maybe you think that foreign terrorists pose the greatest threat ever.
Well, get ready to be whopperjawed, Americans, for it turns out that the most insidious assault on the very fabric of our nation is coming from within, from a radical and subversive organization dedicated to warping the minds of our children. Yes, that devious group is: the Girl Scouts.
Luckily, though, our nation has such alert patriots as Bob Morris to warn "That the Girl Scouts are coming, the Girl Scouts are coming!" Bob, an Indiana Republican legislator, recently drew a bright line in the political sand by being the only member of that august body to withhold his signature from a resolution celebrating the 100th anniversary of the Girl Scouts. It seems that Bob found "allegations" on the internet that these supposedly-innocent, cookie peddling kiddos are really a tactical arm of Planned Parenthood, promoting casual sex, the homosexual lifestyle, abortion, and – worst of all – "liberal progressive politics."
And, in case you're one of those fact addicts who don't believe everything on the internet, Bob offers this damning proof of the girl group's perversion: First Lady Michelle Obama is honorary president of this "radicalized organization." This, he warns his fellow Republicans in a letter, "should give each of us reason to pause." Never mind that Laura Bush previously served as honorary president.
In-[bleeping]-credible! Only, this bobblehead of right-wing BS is not alone. At least one extremist church outfit is asking members to pray against the Girl Scouts, claiming that these kids' cookie sales amount to blood money. Let's pray that Rick Santorum doesn't discover this conspiracy.
"Merit badges, cookies, and 'the destruction of traditional American family values,'" www.maddowblog.msnbc.msn.com, February 21, 2012.
"Lawmaker won't honor 'radicalized' Girl Scouts," www.journalgazette.net, February 21, 2012.
" Indiana lawmaker urges state Republicans to oppose resolution honoring 'radicalized' Girl Scouts," www.foxnews.com, February 21, 2012.