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In the 1970s, Lily Tomlin developed an iconic comic character she named Ernestine--a telephone clerk who took perverse pleasure from hectoring customers. Her character was a perfect portrayal of the arrogance of AT&T, the monopolistic telephone giant of that day. In one skit on on the TV show, Laugh-In, Tomlin had Ernestine delivering a TV pitch for the corporation:
"A gracious hello," she cheerfully began, speaking directly into the camera. "Here at the Phone Company, we handle 84 billion calls a year. So, we realize that every so often, you can't get an operator, or for no apparent reason your phone goes out of order, or perhaps you get charged for a call you didn't make. We don't care!"
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PIRATE ETHICS
The difference between pirate captains of old and modern-day corporate bosses is that pirates had ethics. They fairly shared their loot, for example, with the entire crew.
Contrast that with the rip-off of employees by the bosses and bankers involved in the recent tribulations of the Tribune Company. This media conglomerate, which owns some of America’s top newspapers and television stations, was bought a year ago by a Chicago real estate baron named Sam Zell.
This fellow didn’t have anywhere near enough money to pay the $8.2 billion purchase price, but, hey, that’s no problem for a striver. Zell simply got the company’s CEO to let him use the employee’s pension fund as collateral for bank loans to buy the Tribune. Even though their money was put at risk, the employees had no say in the deal, nor in how the company was run. It was run badly. Less than a year after Zell's takeover, the Tribune has had to declare bankruptcy, and employees are likely to lose jobs, severance payments, and pensions.
Those who pulled off this heist, however, have been much more fortunate. The former CEO was given more than $40 million when Zell took charge. Citigroup and Merrill Lynch were paid about $36 million each for being “advisors” on the deal. Another Wall Street bank, Morgan Stanley, got $7.5 million just for writing a “fairness opinion,” stating that Zell’s use of the pension fund was Kosher.
And Zell? He had put up less than four percent of the purchase price to get control of the company, and while he might lose some of that, he cut the deal in a way that makes him a secured creditor. This means that if the Tribune’s assets have to be distributed to creditors as a result of the bankruptcy, Zell will be first in line to get his – standing in front of the employees whose company and pensions he wrecked.
No pirate would do that to his crew.
“Workers Pay For Debacle At Tribune,” The New York Times, December 9, 2008.
“Tribune, Major News Chain, Seeks Bankruptcy Protection,” The New York Times, December 9, 2008.